Telephone exchanges click while there's nobody there

So the lovely people at the transplant unit at the Freeman in Newcastle just called to confirm that I am on their list to be seen at their satellite clinic in February at Gartnavel but that appointment details will be sent out by Gartnavel themselves. I was beginning to get worried I had been lost in the system somewhere as I hadn't heard from them since early October but it seems lots has been going on behind the scenes with all sorts of letters going back and forth between the respiratory docs and the haematology / leukaemia docs and the transplant team.

I'll wait a week or two and if no appointment comes through the post I'll get on to the respiratory team at Gartnavel to see what's happened.

I got really annoyed back in October because it felt like February was ages away but the months seem to be passing ever quicker. I think that's been aided by a slightly improved mental state. It's not that I was particularly dense but I was struggling to concentrate on anything for a good wee while there so getting to a state where I can read, and more importantly enjoy, a book without having to re-read whole pages and chapters is fantastic.

I think that's been aided by the number of visitors I've had as well, as having people round just keeps my mind more active.

To that end I've booked tickets for a few of us to go and see a Science show called Uncaged Monkeys in April. It's done by loads of people whose books and columns I read or whose TV shows I've loved. Should be ace, in a really nerdy way.

Somebody's going to emergency, somebody's going to jail

Due to my situation I find myself going to the cinema a much rarer experience than it used to be. All those other, different people are just too much of a risk for my immune system to cope with. So, on those odd occasions that I do go I try to pick the showing that will involve the least interaction with the public.

That's not bothering me as much as I thought it might though. You see I've found that boxsets of TV series (not seasons) are the most incredible way to pass the many, many hours of time I have on my own. Even back when I was first diagnosed with leukaemia I was quite the devotee of ER and it always gave me a little bit of excitement when they would occasionally have to go through something that I was going through. Somehow it being on a TV show made it a big deal.

All through my recuperation post bone marrow transplant I worked my way through the entire series of Northern Exposure and it was then also that I got hooked on a new show called 24. I can watch Northern Exposure over and over and it never loses any of its charm, while 24 was entirely devoid of charm but full of testosterone instead but no less enjoyable for that.

It was at this time also that my best friend gave me the boxset of the first series of The West Wing and I was hooked. This show made TV different for me. It was as exquisitely produced as any movie and the acting was fantastic. As well as those things though it just demanded your attention with a humour that is rare to find as it just expects you to keep up. I've watched it all through about four times now and it is still the most amazing show I have seen. That first boxset has been posted to friends all around the country in the hope that they would get as much out of it as I did.

I can't begin to list all the shows that I have loved, although pretty much anything made by HBO is worth a watch, but the ones that have affected me the most are House and Brothers & Sisters. Now the first one of those is fairly self explanatory, as it's just an extension of what I said earlier about ER although with an episode of House you're much more likely to hear about something I've encountered than the GSW's so prevalent in ER. Brothers & Sisters I'm going to have to explain I think.

I know it's saccharine sweet bollocks but there's part of me that identifies with the family dynamic on show. The 5 grown up kids in the family operate in ways that are just so familiar to me that it can actually ache. This was never more acutely obvious than when one of the characters developed leukaemia and needed a bone marrow transplant and they needed to find a match. Of course my family doesn't have any kids hidden away who come in at the last minute to save the day but that detracts somewhat from the point. It was wonderfully researched and beautifully acted out all the way through the transplant. In particular the scenes where she loses her hair could well have been lifted from my own life.

My only point of complaint is that considering how well done the whole storyline was handled it seems strange to me that it was so swiftly swept under the rug and they all moved on. I understand the dramatic reasons for it but for me it places in the public conciousness the idea that, even for Cancer, you just get your treatment and then get on with your life again. We all know that it's nothing close to being like that and that's there's as much drama to be found in the aftercare as there is for the big event. I would argue there's even more.

To something approaching that end the film Wit, starring Emma Thompson is as close as I've ever found to depicting the life of a cancer patient accurately. It's a tremendous movie and one I may have to revisit.

Learn to lose, it's easier that way

I've been really poor at keeping this up to date but it's been due to being so very, very tired. That's a positive though because it's been down to the number of visitors I've had in recently. It's the sort of hard work that I am always pleased to take part in. Having people round actually perks me up a massive amount but it lasts only up till the visitors go and then the effort of entertaining catches up rapidly.

So what's been going on then? Well everything is kind of on pause at the moment really and nothing much has changed in my condition. When I compare it with this time last year though it's amazing. Last Christmas I was a whole 12kg lighter than I am now so in many ways I am much stronger and am finding it much easier to cope with the odd chest infections I get which is a real positive. On the other side of things though I am actually physically weaker because the weight gain has all been fat based and with the loss of muscle all over I just don't have a great deal of strength. So I've restricted myself mostly to my own little room and just getting by with books and films and computer games.

I've also just had my 33rd birthday and I suppose I can admit now that there have been moments when I wasn't sure that would come around. My best friends have been joking incessantly about my making it to the same age as Jesus to which I responded that just like the man himself I moved about for a few years before ending up living at home with my mammy. Now for the miracles eh?

There's something happening here, what it is ain't exactly clear

In American politics they (rather harshly) use the term flyover states to describe that big bit in the middle that falls between the powerhouses of what they call the Eastern and Western seaboards.

I have come to regard ITV as my televisual flyover state. I skip past it on the way to something much more worthy of my attention. This is because it mostly produces the sort of drivel that I just can't bear to watch but I have to give credit where it is due.

Last night I watched a documentary by John Pilger called The War You Don't See on ITV1 and it was truly excellent. I first stumbled across one of Pilger's books in a bookshop in York a decade ago and I've read quite a few of his books and even been to the cinema to see a few of his documentaries with like minded folk. On those occasions I've felt that while I loved them they were always preaching to the choir so I'm very pleased that this show went out on terrestrial television. If it gets even a small audience above what it would usually have found then it's a real forward step.

If anyone is interested it can be found for the next 30 days on the ITV website (this link should last that long as well)

Pilger Documentary

Snow is falling, all around us

The last week or so has been mental weather wise and it's led to some real amusement for me. Loads of people are complaining loudly about having cabin fever after being stuck in the house for a measly few days. As someone who has been housebound for over 18 months now it's hard to find sympathy with that sort of ridiculous over-reaction but me being me I managed to do it anyway.

Of course they are being quite utterly ridiculous but the facts are that this is a real shock to their system whereas it's just the norm for me. They can afford to get all huffy and hysterical about things like this because, and deep down they all know this, it's only temporary. If I were to get upset about being stuck indoors I would have gone genuinely bonkers ages ago. I can't afford to let things like that bother me in the slightest because I know that, in the short term at least, they're not going to change. Getting annoyed at things you can't do anything about is a colossal waste of energy.

Having said all that I've never found it particularly difficult anyway as I've always been perfectly comfortable in my own company. At times in my life I've wondered if I am perhaps too much so but I think I've got the balance about right now.

Self explanatory, planetary information

Sometimes other people sum up certain things much better than I ever could (click on it to read it correctly)

Time to see what's become of me

In the last few weeks I've had a few very old friends get in touch through the medium of facebook. One I've not seen in the best part of a decade and the others I haven't seen since I was at school 16 years ago. The former of these three was a very close friend when we started at Glasgow Uni, and indeed introduced me to ex love of my life Sam, but when he left we kind of found ourselves moving in different circles and all my moving around the country didn't help. So now having found out that I'm at home he's going to come up and visit.

The other two are both even longer standing friends from back at school. The male one was my best friend from about Primary 5 through to his leaving secondary school at 16. I used to get updates about him from my dad as he is now a plumber and my dad used to help him out with stuff when he came into the shop but since my dad died he has gone abroad to work. Turns out he didn't even know my dad had died so was gutted to find out so long after it happened.

The third one is a girl who I was very fond of at school. She still lives nearby and is going to come up and visit me at some point too.

The reason I mention this is that I don't know how I feel about them coming. On one hand I really want to catch up with them and to tell them my story but I worry that they're going to see me in my current state of disrepair. This, after all, isn't the me that I like people to see. I'm not particularly keen on anyone knowing that I have weaknesses of any sort never mind the range of them that I currently exhibit.

The thing is that while I can handle sympathy for my situation, I worry that some people might pity me. There's a clear distinction in my mind between the two but in my addled state of mind I can't quite find the words to explain it adequately.

Of course rather than fretting about how other people are going to behave, which is quite obviously out of my control, I should concern myself only with how I am going to. These are all people that I was close to at some stage or another and I am genuinely excited to hear their stories, perhaps because when you look at people you went to school with there's a feeling that the path they took is one that was also available to you. They're living lives that could easily have been mine but for a few choices.