...what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy.
I have an uneasy relationship with Valentines's Day. It's given me some of my finest memories of shared intimacies with various girlfriends but it is also incredibly bittersweet because of a single Valentine's Day when I realised that the relationship I was in (with the previously mentioned Sam) had to end because it didn't move me the way it used to.
It was the longest relationship of my life, even now, and the real burning sadness of knowing that the love that had been so fierce had faded to the point where I wasn't excited about opening my card from her. We struggled on for a few more days fighting to keep it going but we both knew it was done. Don't get me wrong I still loved her but neither of us was built for a long distance relationship and it was doing us both real damage. In the end it was a song lyric that prompted me to make the decision to finally cut the cord. The line, since you ask, is from Crowded House's Better Be Home Soon and it goes 'It would cause me pain if we were to end it, but I could start again you can depend on it'. It just resonated perfectly with the moment.
There was no chance of a complete break from each other simply down to the circles we moved in so we decided that, tough and awkward as it may be we would fight to remain friends, and I think we've successfully done that. It's not been all easy going and we've definitely driven each other mental at points over the last decade or so but we remain close still. We don't get to see each other regularly unfortunately but Sam still remains one of the first people I go to if I feel I need a kick up the arse as she is wonderfully clear and won't pander to my feeling sorry for myself. I still love her dearly but not in any creepy ex-boyfriend way, but in the way that (I hope) we both know what we meant and continue to mean to each other.
I wondered once a while back what my life would have been like if I had been sensible to go and register with a doctor when I moved to Cardiff, as they would invariably have found the Leukaemia even a year before they eventually did, which would have meant I would have had a girlfriend with me all the way through my treatments. On reflection though I concluded that the best thing to happen was what actually did as I got to spend a good wee while taking advantage of all the trappings of a single man in a different country with an accent that, for reasons I don't understand, seems to attract women, and Sam got to move on to get together (eventually) with the man that is now her husband and dad to their son and upcoming new child. You see I know just how much me being ill hurt Sam; I saw it in her face every single time she came to visit. I could even hear it in her voice when she occasionally phoned me on the ward post BMT. I am sure she would have been brilliant but I rapidly realised when thinking of this abstract idea, that I didn't want it for her, or anyone for that matter. I had a few people showing an interest in me at that time and I couldn't help but think it was out of pity so I never entertained them. I've done the same this time round even though I know it's a horribly cynical outlook. So yes, she'd have stood by me and come to as many appointments with me as possible and in general looked after me amazingly but I didn't want it for her in this imaginary scenario. Of course none of this happened, I didn't register with a doctor and I was really careless with the feelings of the woman I loved but on reflection us breaking up was the best thing to happen for both of us. She now has Kev, who I always liked, and their wee family now and I couldn't honestly be happier for them. The due date of their new baby is 7th March - the same day I go to Newcastle so Kev and I have tentatively agreed to go out for a drink to wet the baby's head and hopefully celebrate my going on the active transplant list when I get back.
Now when I was admitted to the Beatson a couple of years ago and was down to 41kg, Sam came to visit because I had kind of scared her in an e-mail I sent about just how bad a state I was in. She and my pal Gerry who had brought her just sat and talked for hours - they didn't leave till half eleven in fact but the nurses weren't bothered about them staying as I really wasn't well and it honestly could have been the last time they saw me. We talked about how jealous we were of certain aspects of each others lives which was curiously refreshing.
Thankfully, I'm in a much better way now and there's hope on the horizon. I just wanted her to know how much her help has done for me and that I hope I never have to return the favour.
