A journalist friend of mine once spoke of the way I write as being littered with tautologies and having spent time over the last week reading back over this blog from the beginning I can see his point. When I have made a point well that doesn't seem to be enough and I remake the same point over and over to hammer it home. There's even been one occasion where I talk about the film Contagion where basically the whole first paragraph of two posts are the exact same, even down to the analogy I make. It seems I've come up with the same point totally independently on two separate occasions because I certainly couldn't remember having made the first post. I put that down to my memory not being as good as it normally is and that my brain is a little bit fuzzy a lot of the time.
I made what I consider to be a positive step on Friday just past. I went out in the wheelchair. It was my mate Mikey's wedding reception and had it been any normal night out I would probably have given it a miss as I was feeling a bit wheezy all day but I simply had to get formal verification that Mikey had actually tied the knot, so I bit the bullet and went but took the chair and allowed myself to be pushed about in it. You may not remember but I've always felt really self conscious in the chair and didn't like the way people stare at you when you're in it but I rationalised it by the fact that if I can't get over that in a room full of most of my favourite people then it's my own problem not theirs. Everyone treated me in exactly the way I would expect of them and I had an absolutely wonderful time, although I only lasted 4 hours before a bit of pain and discomfort allied to the wheeziness led to me going home a little before the actual end of the night.
It was a slightly bittersweet affair for me as it did serve to remind me that time is marching on and more and more of my friends are getting married and having kids and I'm almost at risk of my life becoming infantilised. It's all down to mitigating circumstances clearly but listening to everyone else talking about their lives has brought into sharp focus that I am a 35 year old man that has never been married, doesn't have any kids, never had a mortgage, never had a car (and in fact can't even drive). To put it simply I haven't done most of the things that you would maybe consider the actions of a grown up. Some might say that it's actually impressive that I've managed this and they may well have a point too. I've never needed a car or a mortgage or any of the other trivial things that mark you out as a grown up (like a career for instance) so why they seem so interesting to me now is an utter mystery. It's probably only because I don't have them - the graass isn't always greener after all. To be honest though things have changed the longer I've been stranded at home with my life in limbo. I used to quote the line from the Aztec Camera song Oblivious 'They call us lonely when we're really just alone' to describe my situation but more and more lately I've found that I do actually feel a bit lonely even though I'm never short of people to talk to. I've stopped badgering people to visit and, with it being the winter months, many of them are staying well clear of me anyway for fear of infecting me with something one of their kids have brought home with them. Much though I miss the company I'm glad they're all aware enough of my situation to stay away in those circumstances.
I was hoping to go out last night too as lots of my friends that were home for the wedding are only back for the weekend but when I woke up yesterday I just knew I was going nowhere. I was just too exhausted. I'm still wheezy today but there's no actual sign of infection, I just seem to be going through a period where my wee lungs are struggling a bit.
In other news my middle sister is in hospital having had a non-functioning kidney removed on Tuesday and she is struggling a wee bit. She's got a post op infection so is generally just a bit miserable and the irony of a renal nurse having a non functioning kidney has led to a situation where she knows just a bit too much about what her situation is. Nurses and doctors really do make terrible patients. It looks like she'll be in hospital still for a good few days yet which will be no fun at all for her. I can't go in to visit for fear of catching something in the big long ward she's in but I spoke to her on the phone this morning and while she made little sense thanks to the pain meds she's on I'm glad I spoke to her.
