The past is a foreign country.
It's one I like to visit though.
It's a place where I can go when I'm low.
There is comfort to be found there.
Of all my friends I am undoubtedly the most nostalgic. I think the following is a decent summation as to my reasons for that. Not my excuses you understand; I am not asking to be excused, but I am hoping to be understood.
It's not uncommon for people to believe that their University years are their best. After all it is the period where you have the most 'fun' and the fewest responsibilities. That mine extended up till I was about 30 is indicative only of the fact that I refused to grow up until I absolutely, positively had to. People do tend to elevate the culture from their own youth in terms of importance, especially the music. This annoyingly means that you can hear songs from that era and it takes you back not only to the time but can also be to a place or a person you were with too. This sort of thing is ripe for some quality misty eyed romanticism.
It will surprise absolutely nobody that I can pretty much split my life completely. It wasn't actually my Leukaemia diagnosis itself though. At some point in early to mid 2000 there was an event that created a schism in my life. Everything that happened after that has, ultimately, happened because of it. Post hoc, ergo propter hoc if you will. This fact makes me think of the archaic poem
For want of a nail the shoe was lost
For want of a shoe the horse was lost
For want of a horse the rider was lost
For want of a rider the message was lost
For want of a message the battle was lost
For want of a battle the kingdom was lost
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail
Everything has repercussions. Of course that is a simplistic view of things but it does give us a useful starting point. In my own case a rogue mutation in my DNA led to a single white blood cell taking matters into its own hands and dividing uncontrollably.
That was Cancer.
That led to Cancer treatment.
That treatment led to side effects.
Those side effects led to damage to other organs.
That damage led to the need for further treatment.
And so on
And all because of a single mutation.
It would be reductive to say that everything that has happened in my life has happened because of that but it has dominated massively. I do try not to be bitter about the things I have had to miss in my life that I can relate back to it and I think I am pretty successful at it. I try to remain pragmatic about it but it does get to me at times. I know, for instance, that relationships have broken down as a result of some aspect of life post Cancer. Any time I tell anyone this they do say they understand and that it is perfectly normal to be bitter about such things. Even when telling me it is a rational response though I do sometimes get the feeling that they'd very much rather I was telling it to someone else. I don't ever declare it to be unfair as I don't believe that random genetic mutations have an agenda but other people do tell me that they perceive it to be unfair. That is lovely and I do appreciate that message. If it is sometimes hard to look at the things I have missed out on due to my illnesses then I suppose I do seek solace in the things that I perhaps managed to do in spite of them. This is where nostalgia kicks in.
Most people don't have time for nostalgia(and anyway it's not what it used to be). They're actually too busy keeping up with what life throws at them every day for such an indulgence. Life throws time at me though and so I have to find ways of filling it, and sometimes that involves thinking about the things I have done and how I feel about them. That's not to say I spend masses of time poring over the past; it's all relative. I do spend more time than most looking backwards though. I look at the friendships I have had and the people I have loved and rejoice in the warmth I get from thinking about them. This is most certainly a positive thing as it does remind me that my life has been chock full of happy things - it has not been relentless misery. Not by a long way.
I seek validation I suppose and that, perhaps perversely, seems to come from those I loved (and especially those who have loved me back). That may seem counter-intuitive as the fact they loved me really should be all the validation I require. I worry at times about the person I am now though compared to the one I was before. In many ways I am actually a much more impressive person (if you can conceive of such a thing) by virtue of having walked this particular path but I also recognise that I am a more difficult person to be around because of it. As Leukaemia has defined my life since 2000, and honestly despite my best efforts, I talk about it (and all the related foibles) all the fucking time. Trust me, I hate this as much as anyone but I can't stop it. I talk about it in the way that most people talk about their spouse or their children. I know that is a facile comparison but I cant think of anything else that is as pervasive in your life to use as a comparison. For what it's worth I know that I do make that comparison because of the very obvious fact that I don't actually have a spouse or kids of my own and I am incredibly jealous of those that do. In fact that jealousy gets ramped up a level when it is any ex of mine who is married with kids. There's a part of me that wonders what might have been with them if only I had done something differently (admittedly this is a brief thought but there's no point denying it). I also know the grass isn't actually greener. Looking after nieces, for instance, is a decent reminder that kids are great fun but there is much fun to be had handing them back to their parents who have to deal with ALL OF THAT every single day. For decades. I am digressing somewhat.
I view almost all that I perceive through the retrospectoscope positively. Of course there have been plenty of awful events along the way but my overall stance is that even the bad stuff got me to here so it can be classified as a necessary evil, or something. The only editorial process is one of omission though. The bad stuff gets overlooked in favour of the lovely memories instead. This requires an awful lot of dishonesty obviously and does kind of belie the idea that hindsight is 20:20. If anything it skews things dramatically but I don't really care that much. In lieu of real happiness just now I'll utilise the bits that I've had before. I hope nobody thinks that I'm miserable now as I don't feel I am - I only know that I have been happier and so I am aiming for that again.
One of the weirdest aspects of looking backwards recently is that my perception of certain events in my life has changed. Where before I used to bracket certain events as being things I had done with a certain person now even I feel like a separate entity in a given event. They are memories of things that happened to someone else but with my as some disconnected voyeur somehow. I know we did these things together but something feels different when I think about them. This has really only arisen in the last while (since the heart issue really) and I don't understand it. I'm sure I'm not explaining it very well either. I just know that my thoughts feel different.
There have been movements on the medical front over the last bit too but it is all trial and error just now so I will write down a lot more when I have a better idea of what the plan is. The docs are communicating brilliantly, which is a massive relief. The ones I hoped would step up and take over have done exactly that and their chats back and forth have been tremendous - that they are including me is a massive help too. I know I am a massive challenge medically but it is nice to see some docs who see that as a challenge rather than a burden.
