So if you're lonely you'll know I'm here waiting for you

In the Great Gatsby F. Scott Fitzgerald noted that 'life is much more successfully looked at from a single window, after all.'

Now while the bold Mr Fitzgerald was obviously being metaphorical I can take that little phrase as literally as just about anyone. I spend almost all my time in the one room with one window to look out at the world. So what I take from this little phrase is that I, in my isolation, have a more focussed viewpoint on my life. I think that's probably true. I have more command of how I feel about things (even through the occasional medicinal fog) than I've ever had in my life.

My situation is one that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy but I have embraced it as my own and so have a clarity of thought regarding what I can and can't do with my life, for the moment at least.

With the upcoming tests to see if my kidneys can handle another tough regime of immunosuppression I'll have to see if this clarity can continue.

Obviously I'm hoping that the transplant team conclude that they can let me go forward to the active transplant list but I have to consider that the damage done to my kidneys is too great and that there's no point performing a lung transplant only to leave me needing dialysis for the rest of my life. That would be no improvement from now. When thinking about this I think about it from the doctor's point of view and the Hippocratic oath premise that a doctor should first do no harm. The transplant team described that course of action as reckless and I agree with them completely.

So I am preparing myself for what will happen if I can't proceed to transplant. There are two options:

1. Remain on low level immunosuppressants to prevent Graft vs Host Disease attacking my lungs again. This would leave me open to opportunistic infections but I've largely remained free from hospital on that regime for 18 months now (not including the trip to Newcastle). I would have some sort of life similar to that which I'm leading now.
2. Come off all the drugs that suppress my immune system and see if my body is still being attacked by itself in the form of Graft vs Host Disease. If it isn't I'll be safer as I will have a greater resistance to infection but it is a big risk.

With either of these choices I'll have to come to terms more with the life that I have and perhaps find ways to spend more time away from that solitary window. I've no shortage of helpers who will do everything they can to make the most of the situation. That's all I think anyone can ask of their life.