I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control

I have had a bloody torrid time of it these past few months but things have definitely improved in the last wee bit.

First of all I had a respiratory virus that kicked the absolute shite out of me. Even when the infection had cleared the after effects of it on my body lasted for so much longer. I had friends who are in great health otherwise who struggled badly for ages with it so in reality I had no chance of getting through it unscathed.

While that was going on we were also trying to adjust my pain medication. I wanted off diazepam (which I was taking for muscle pain) as it was fogging my brain up quite badly so we came to the decision that I would stop taking it and instead I would increase my dose of co-codamol. At this point I was vomiting regularly and just put it down to the virus as the first thing my body does when it is struggling for breath is to shut down my digestive system. I was losing too much weight though so couldn't afford to keep going that way. As well as the crippling nausea I was grinding my teeth and feeling altogether more anxious than I normally would and it became apparent that the co-codamol was the problem. I tried messing about with the dose for a while but it seems that anything over the original dose I had been on for years was too much. I reverted back to the original dose and over the course of a week or so everything got back to normal. I could eat again which was a really big deal. There's no getting away from the fact my joints and my muscles ache but to be honest I'd rather deal with that than try anything heavier in terms of pain relief again.

That whole period left me pretty down as I couldn't really do anything and I was sleeping a ridiculous amount. You tell yourself you're sleeping because you need it but the reality is probably more like you're sleeping because there's nothing else to do. I couldn't concentrate on anything and I was getting really infuriated about it all. 

Then just as things were improving I got the horrible news that one of my oldest friends had died in an accident. I had seen him only a few weeks before as he brought his children up to see me and it was by some distance the best I had seen him in a very long long while. He had suffered with assorted mental problems for years and was often delusional but after one visit to here a few years ago he had sought professional help and was definitely improving markedly. He was holding down a job and was the most lucid and entertaining I had seen him in such a long time. I'm absolutely heartbroken by it.

To temper this though I have the good news that I have a new niece, little baby Orla. She is a wee smasher, although I could almost certainly do without her puking all over my bed too regularly. I now have four nieces and two nephews. I expect to see them all today as it is my birthday. Yay!

I hope everyone has a lovely Christmas. I will have more to say come the new year I'm sure.

P