They call us lonely when we're really just alone

Things are very much different now from when I first fell ill a decade ago.

Everyone's reaction to it is different for a start. When people came to visit me back then there was never any doubt that I would be fine and that this was just a bit of a stumbling block to get past. I felt pretty much the same way myself. I was a young man, and faulty blood cells aside, I was in very good shape so the treatments I was to receive weren't all that worrying.

Now all these years later we've all been worn down a bit by it. I'm not as strong as then physically (although I am even more resilient) so there are more health issues to consider for any treatments I have to undertake. I can see in some of my friends that they're a lot more worried now than they ever were back then. As a result of this some of them find it incredibly difficult to come and see me. Now that's not to say that they don't come and visit but there's a notable difference in the regularity with which they do. That's not all down to their fears and their hatred of seeing me in this state but also because they all have grown up lives and the responsibilities that come with that. Back then we were all starting out in our careers and were mostly single and with a lot of spare time on our hands. Now they have their spouses and their children and significantly more in the way of work commitments. This means that I don't get to see them as often as I would like, but I understand only too well how real life can often get in the way of the things you would like to do. With each visit everyone apologises that they've not been around more but I honestly don't mind. It's up to them when they can make it.

Things aren't helped by the fact that my two closest friends who were such a massive part of my visitation schedule back then now rather selfishly live in different countries. I miss them coming round here on friday nights and getting drunk and eating all my sweets.

So all this real life stuff means I have much more time on my own than I have probably ever had in my life. My family are about a lot of the time but even accounting for that I am on my own a lot. I've gotten rather good at keeping myself company so I don't really feel lonely. Not yet anyway.