X-Ray specs

Have you ever felt like someone sees straight through you?

I got an overpowering feeling of this on sunday when I had old friends from uni over visiting with their kids. Amid the carnage Yvonne simply asked me 'So, how are you really?' and even though it was a simple question it knocked me sideways. I could actually feel tears welling up and everything. Thankfully though her daughter made an attempt for freedom right at this moment and she had to rush after her and I never had to answer.

And here's the thing, I hadn't actually realised that I wasn't quite right. I wasn't aware that it was a false front I had been putting on for everyone. I certainly wasn't expecting anyone to call me on it.

So the reality is that I'm struggling to not be resentful about the fact that my life is on hold again. I've often felt that I got robbed of a decent portion of my twenties and even though it's terribly clichéd to say so I've become sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's not so much a 'why me?' feeling as an 'Oh for fecks sake, not again'. I try very hard to not take my frustrations out on those around me but I'm only human so I know mistakes have been made on that front. For what it's worth my family are tremendous at recognising when I'm not quite right and leave me alone to get through it, which seems to work very well for us all.

I'm aware that sometimes I editorialise what I write down and it comes across that I'm dealing with everything brilliantly, and while that's partly true, it's only right and honest that I detail the ways in which I'm not doing so well. When I get my head around them myself I'll share.