I have a new, as yet unnamed, niece.
She'll hopefully get home soon but as she has a wee heart murmur they're wanting to keep an eye on her for a day or so. Apparently these things are quite common in newborns and sort themselves out quickly so it's not a concern but it'll be good to get her and her mammy home.
I've been quiet because I've been a bit under the weather again. Just a couple of chest infections that just make life quite difficult.
I've been thinking over the last few weeks about my meeting with the transplant team last month. I've been digesting what we were talking about and the thing that's been dominating my thoughts is that there's a chance that I won't be able to go ahead with the transplant. I've to go down to Newcastle for four days soon for a barrage of tests to check out all the things that would rule me out and I'm really worried that they'll find something that does.
The thing is I'm never done getting on at my friends for worrying about things that are outwith their control so why am I fixating on so many things that I can't even decide which it is that I'm actually concerned about but I know that I'm more nervous than I've been about anything in my life. The reason for that is of course that my life actually depends on what happens and that kind of focuses the mind.
When I tell anybody about my worries they all tell me not to worry which is easier said than done. The people I usually turn to to talk about these sort of things, and who don't tell me not to worry, are rather annoyingly living in Sydney and San Francisco so it's difficult to get hold of them for a good long chat about it all.
The other thing that arose from that meeting with the transplant team is what it might be like to live post transplant and that has been worrying me as well. I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that even if it all goes perfectly well I'm not going to be able to get my normal life back. That's not so big a deal as I've got used to having to change my priorities markedly over the period of my illness but that doesn't mean that I'm not worried about what my life will actually entail. The main thing I am concerned about it relationships. I've really excluded myself from anything of that ilk over the last wee while because it's quite simply too difficult for me but that was always in the knowledge that it was temporary. I've reconciled myself to being alone for a while but that doesn't mean that I don't get lonely from time to time. Life post transplant better offer me the chance to get involved in that sort of thing again as I miss it.
They also spoke about survival rates and that has focussed my mind on the nieces and nephews. I know that this is what will kill me eventually. I've come to terms with that. I don't plan on it being any time soon but I do know that either directly or indirectly it is my rejection of my lungs that will eventually get me and that gets me thinking about what I will miss from their lives.
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