All this frustration, I can't feed all my desires

Having spoken recently about the things I hope for my future I've come to the conclusion over the last few days that the thing I want more than anything else is the freedom to just get up and go for a walk whenever I feel like it. I've always been a great exponent of the benefits of walking, especially in the rain. I love going for a wander in the rain, there's a solitude to it based mostly on nobody else being stupid enough to be out in such weather. I find it just clarifies the mind which is most welcome when, like me, you tend to over analyse things. Nietzsche once said "All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking" and I can't argue with that in any way, although I'd have to concede my thoughts probably aren't as grand as Nietzsche's.

So my frustrations in life at the moment stem mostly from the lack of spontaneity. I can't do a single thing without a well formulated plan which has to involve at least one other person. I need to organise exit strategies from whatever it is I'm doing before I even leave the house too; I can't just stay out and do something else after whatever it is I've gone out for.

One thing I need to acknowledge is that I could do more if I let people take me out in the wheelchair but up till now I've just found it too frustrating that I can't do things under my own steam that I just don't want to do them with someone else pushing me around. I know that it's face-spiting nose-cutting on quite an impressive scale but the last vestiges of pride I have stop me from accepting that this is my lot and to simply make the best of it. I only ever use the chair when going to the hospital when it's just too far for me to walk even with the oxygen, and I loathe every second I am in it. It just doesn't fit with my idea of myself.

Away from that I've been very lucky in the last wee bit with visitors so my frustrations at being mostly housebound have been kept at bay. An old friend Jane from my time in Aberdeen came down to visit yesterday and I spent a good hour or so on the phone to my ex girlfriend Katherine last night. Both commented that I seem quite chipper and positive about everything. I think I am but it is certainly true that I am more so when I'm talking to people about things. They don't get to see the odd times when I am quite down about it all - I don't ever let anyone see that really and it usually is quite fleeting.