So today I went for a CT scan. I was mildly disappointed that it wasn't a contrast CT scan though - with it you get injected with contrast material before the scan takes place and it's a funny feeling. You feel a warmth coursing down your body from your chest. In fact before you get it the radiographer tells you not to worry as it when it gets down to your waist it feels like you've wet yourself, but without the cold wet shame that follows. I have no frame of reference for that I should make clear. Another step forwards anyway.
When I got back I lay watching the cyclists on the Tour de France on telly navigating the Pyrenees and I let my mind wander, as I do occasionally, towards thinking about what I can hope to get from a new set of lungs. Prior to my bone marrow transplant I was quite the sporty type taking part in regular games of football, badminton and squash and occasionally going cycling. I used to do a lot of cycling years ago when I was an undergrad and I had to cycle to get to my part time job. After the transplant I was unable to do any of these things and I'd come to terms with that.
Now I wonder which of those things, if any, I'll be able to do if it all goes successfully. I'd be happy with any of them but even if I can't do any of those sports the one thing I'd love to be able to do again is walk to the top of a mountain, regardless of how slowly I have to go. Previously there was so much damage to my lungs that I wouldn't have been able to breathe at altitude due to how thin the air would be so it was a complete non starter but theoretically a new set will allow me to do that again. Perhaps not at Pyrenee level maybe but even just a Munro or two in Scotland once I got fit again.
Is it mental to torture yourself with things that might never be or is it good to set yourself goals? I've never came to a real conclusion about that, but the fact that it's only something I allow myself to dream of very rarely probably tells its own story.
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