Don't be afraid to be weak, don't be too proud to be strong

A funny thing happens when you get diagnosed with cancer, people start talking about you in terms of how brave or how strong you are. Now as well intentioned, and of course flattering, as these comments are they're based on a flawed starting point. People say these things because they think that they wouldn't cope with the same news as well as they perceive you to be doing, but that just plainly isn't true. People cope with what gets thrown at them but when you're one step removed you in some ways feel it much harder.

Where a patient will become pragmatic and look at what needs to be done, the friends and family can afford themselves the luxury of getting very upset about it. I know for instance that I would find it much tougher if one of my family or friends was seriously unwell because there's nothing I could do to make it better but I know what I need to do myself. And that isn't, contrary to what people say at these times, about being strong.

There are times when you have to be as meek as you've ever been and just let things happen to you, and these are just as often as the times you need to be strong and fight. Nobody prepares you for that though, it's a lesson learned through getting it wrong. Even then there is no guarantee that doing everything right will provide the correct result. I've shared wards with people who have fought when they needed to and just took the pain when that was what was needed and yet didn't survive. I've also shared wards with people who didn't take things as serious as they should have yet made it almost unscathed. Sometimes it's just your luck and there's no preparation for that.

One thing that surprised me about my own treatment is just how annoyed my consultants have got as time has passed. I've pretty much done everything by the book yet things haven't quite worked out as well as they hoped. The consultants you see get to treat you as human beings - the more junior doctors can often treat you with a certain distance as it allows them to reach conclusions more accurately if they aren't swayed by personal feelings towards you but for the consultants that isn't an issue as they have the experience to know they'll make the right decision anyway and so can afford to treat you as a human being rather than just a bag of symptoms. At least that's what all mine have done.

So if I have been brave and strong it's just because that's what I needed to be at the times required and you'd be just the same if it were you. Unfortunately I can't guarantee I will be should any such thing happen to you - I'll probably be in bits. I found that out when my friend Ciarán relapsed a few years ago and then suddenly died and then again a few months later when my dad died after a short battle with a few forms of Cancer. I didn't feel particularly strong or brave after either of those episodes regardless of what people told me.