I've had a lot of visitors over the last week. As well as some friends from my time in Liverpool and Belfast I have had wider family coming to visit and some old school friends, including the oldest friend I have in the world.
He came round to make sure I would be attending his upcoming nuptials. I explained that I'd love to be there for the whole shebang but I am unfortunately time limited by the oxygen cylinder's capacity so I had to decide whether to go to the formal ceremony or to the reception later. We talked about it and he made it clear he wouldn't be offended with either choice so we decided that there was more fun to be had, and more chance to talk to all the people that will be there that I don't see anywhere near often enough, if I go to the evening do.
So now I'm quite excited about getting out and going to it but am conscious that it will be frustrating for me. While in the last few years my breathing had been poor I could still manage the odd dance at a wedding, but this time (even with the oxygen) I can't entertain such ideas and that is quite frustrating for someone like me. That frustration will be worth it though I'm sure as it is guaranteed to be an absolutely fantastic do.
As you'd expect my mind then turned to whether I'll ever be the person getting married and, as you do, I cast my mind back to previous relationships but I'm still of the opinion that each of those break ups were the correct decision regardless of which of us it was who took it.
It's easy to romanticise when looking through the retrospectoscope especially the further away the events are in your history. It's not my place to talk too much about those relationships that defined my life really as they're not just mine to talk about but I will say that I've been in love 3 times to this point but only ever thought of marriage as a prospect with one of them. The first one was when I was young enough to fall hopelessly and giddily in love with Eileen; the second was more considered especially because Sam hated me at first and the third was when I had decided, after years of taking too much care with my feelings, to take a risk and just open up to Katherine. Apart from all having at one point been in love with me they are all very different people but one thing is true of them all - they are all smarter than me.
With each of them I left myself wide open to having my heart stomped upon and with each of them I was left with a few such scars, many of which though were of my own making. The middle one of these three was the longest and it's the one that I was most guilty of taking for granted and I didn't just let it slip through my fingers, I actively forced it.
Having said that I have always been a little glad that I split up with Sam when I did. Of course it would have been nice to have someone I could completely rely on when undergoing all the treatments I was going through back in 2001 but I'm really glad that she didn't have to go through it all. Having remained good friends (as I have with all of the three) she suffered plenty throughout it all but it would have been so much worse if she had had to be with me for all of it.
I've never taken too well to having someone else in my life when things aren't great as I just beat myself up about how much they're having to deal with. I know it's ridiculous as if they love you then these things don't ever enter their mind but it preoccupies mine. That was why there was such a long period after my transplant where I stayed resolutely single. That was until, precisely 5 years to the day after splitting with Sam, I met Katherine. My first words to her were actually quite insulting but she actually seemed to like someone having the gall to talk in such a way. Soon after we started going out but I struggled with letting her see me on the occasions that I was unwell but eventually I had to allow her to care for me. She would try and comfort me in those nights when I was beset with chest infections by simply holding me while I was hacking up my lungs and I have to say it gave me great solace.
The things is though I knew there were things she wanted to do in her life that involved a level of activity that were beyond my already damaged lungs. For the filthy minds out there she is a climbing and hillwalking sort and I would have liked nothing more than to be able to join her in those exploits but I couldn't entertain them and I have always wondered if the fact I couldn't do all these things that were such a part of her life had a part in our break up.
Now you'd be forgiven for thinking that such events might make me cynical but my attitude has always been 'sing like no-ones listening, dance like no-ones watching, love like you've never had your heart broken' and I don't believe I should ever attempt to enter a relationship with the worry that I might be leaving myself open to hurt. I've had it before and I always get over it anywyay. Lauren Laverne put it best when she sang 'You've got to risk your heart for love to find you'. Finding love has never been much of a problem - my problem has been keeping a hold of it. If my friends can manage it though I know it is possible to do it, I just need to be lucky. I'm looking forward to my next attempt already.
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